I feel the need to unburden myself of something that has been bothering me alot lately, and that is about female friends.
You know, I thought it was hard to have friends when I was in high school, but it's no easier now that I am older. Oddly enough, I don't think girls grow up when it comes to being good friends. They still play the same high school games.
I've come to believe that there are 3 types of girl-friends.
Type 1--The BFF clique (of course)! This group can be two girls that have been BFFs since birth almost, or they can be a group of girls that has a common element (like children). The two-girl BFF's may allow you to "enter" their group, but you will forever be a peripheral friend. You will never be as close to either girl as they are to each other. You will never feel as "clued in". One will still call the other before she calls you. If you find the BFF clique, you will always be an outsider. This group rarely lets others into their group. This group is downright rude. They will sit in front of you and discuss group plans, but not include you. If you try to insert yourself into casual conversations, you may be allowed, (or they may act annoyed by this) but they will soon go back to talking amongst themselves again.
Type 2--Flavor of the Month BFF's. These girls will act like your best friend for a period of time (maybe even a year or longer), but, unbeknownst to you, you are filling a need or a purpose in their lives and when your assistance is no longer required, you will be dumped unceremoniously for another Flavor of the Month. Unfortunately, you may not know this until after you are an ex-flavor of the month. You may even know the person that YOU replaced. Sometimes ex-flavors are kept around for a while--mostly because they don't KNOW they are EX-flavors yet! These people usually befriend "givers". Girls who are loyal and willing to do just about anything to help a friend. The Flavor of the Month friend is a taker. They will take as long as you are giving, until they are bored with you or until someone comes along and their flavor looks better. The friendship will break off for some silly reason that you might not even know or understand. One day, you are just not called any more. Or, you may know you are on the way out when the new Flavor is hanging out with you two all the time, or they talk about things they have done together that you weren't invited to. Take comfort though. Just as you replaced a Flavor of the Month BFF, and you were a Flavor of the Month BFF, this new Flavor of the Month will eventually be replaced as well!
Type 3--everyone else. These are the girls that can't get into the BFF cliques and have been used and discarded by the Flavor of the Month BFF's. This seems to be where I fit in. My husband says it's because I try too hard. I give too much. He says this like it's a bad thing. Is that a fault? When I have a friend, I am willing to do whatever I can to help them. Always available. "What do you need? A sitter? Okay. A business partner? All right. A co-leader? I'm there. A customer? Here's my money! An ear? You got it!" Whatever it is, I'm it. That's what a good friend does, right? I have my own issues too, I know. I need an ear sometimes. I need help when I'm injured or sick. That's when I find out sometimes that I'm on the wrong end of the equation. It usually doesn't go both ways.
Is this so much different from male/female relationships? I think so. For some reason, it hurts more. Usually because you didn't see it coming. Maybe because girls are suppposed to be your same species and should stick together--shouldn't hurt each other because we get hurt enough by guys. Maybe too because you expect guys to cheat on you, treat you like crap, use you and dump you. You usually know when a relationship with a guy is going to end soon because you spend a lot of time arguing and fighting and then breaking up and getting back together. So you have a hint. But with girls, you usually don't have this yo-yoing and fighting. One day, it's just over. Maybe it's because I allow myself to be more fully invested in girl relationships. It takes me a really long time to really trust a guy, so I'm not fully vulnerable from the beginning. I feel more fully vulnerable with girls. Girls talk to each other about their feelings and emotions. So there's more out there to be stomped on.
Whatever it is, why must girls do that to each other? Why must we exclude each other? Why are we so critical of each other--so judgemental. Shouldn't we stick together? There is nothing that a woman cannot do--and a group of women together can accomplish amazing things! We are strong, we are resilient, we are loving, but we are not meant to be alone.
